Deceitber!

We’ve got Stoptober when everyone stops drinking or smoking for the month – I gave up smoking several years ago and I don’t really drink much (unless I’m at a party and don’t have to drive).   At home alone I don’t drink.  Then there is Movember, an annual event in November that raises awareness and funds for men’s health issues by encouraging people to grow moustaches. I notice that in this woke world we talk about ‘people’ growing a moustache!   Obviously, like most post menopausal women, I could grow a moustache and I’m as concerned as the next person about men’s health after all some of my best friends are men, but not even for their sake would I be prepared to go out in public without a close examination of my upper lip in a magnifying mirror.

Now I’m thinking of starting Deceitber which, as we know, ‘tis season to be jolly and to tell a load of festive fibs!   Parents telling tales of Santa with his elves and reindeer with children nodding sagely and taking it all in with total belief at first and then with scepticism but not wishing to tell the truth in case Santa stops bringing them bulging stockings.   Although I’m not sure if any child ever believed that one very naughty little boy once got a stocking full of coal.   And the mock delight with which we greet the news that Aunt Anne would love to join us for Christmas as would her hairy, smelly and incontinent old dog and even if we are not sure whether she is referring to the family Basset Hound or Uncle Bill neither prospect pleases.

As for presents – ‘How lovely’ we exclaim, ‘what an interesting jumper and such bright colours too – will make a nice change from my usual muted tones,’ at the same time making a note to self to label this one ready to re-gift but making sure that we don’t give it back to the donor next year.   An old friend and I used to spend happy times thinking up the most hideous and vulgar gifts to give to people we disliked – always provided we had won the lottery and had unlimited funds when we could indulge our fantasies.   Apropos, of absolutely nothing, except Christmas, I read a letter in one of the Sunday papers where someone had written in asking if the council had any powers to insist on people taking down their Christmas decorations and outdoor lights as the writer felt that one of their neighbours was making the street look cheap!    I do wish I knew where they lived I’d be tempted to send the neighbour a donation towards their seasonal decorations.  This reminded me of Dolly Parton’s remark that ‘it costs a lot of money to look this cheap’.  I actually think the picture below is far too tasteful but I do rather love it.  

Personally, I have a large herd of illuminated reindeers outside my house and I’m sure that there are many people who think they are the height of vulgarity – anyway I do hope that this is the case.

I like to think that I’m a truthful person, but actually that is a big fat fib!   I mentioned that I don’t drink when I’m on my own at home alone however I should have added the words ‘much’ or ‘often’ to that!   

Most of the lies we tell are white lies, lies told in order not to hurt someone else’s feelings.   ‘Of course it wasn’t a mistake to cut your hair that short’ we reassure a friend who has gone for quite an extreme crop under the illusion that it makes her look like Audrey Hepburn when the reality is that she looks more like a US marine – very heroic but not necessarily the look she had been going for.  

Sales assistants in shops are often terrible – I have long given up trying things on in shops unless absolutely necessary.   The communal changing room was the worst when some wretched woman who was relying on a commission to feed her family would attempt to persuade you that the dress that gripped you like a tourniquet was in fact meant to do that as everything was being worn very snug this season while pin thin women slipped into tiny garments bewailing the fact that everything was so big!    And as for shoes that assistants assure you will stretch with wear – maybe, but how much agony are you prepared to go through whilst waiting for this to happen.  

Presumably contrary to the popular song ‘things can only get worse’ with AI.   The internet is a world of lies and scams.   The most unbelievable stories appear and what is more people believe them.   There are videos of fantastical creatures that seem completely real but are obviously computer generated and very clever they are too, but for every down to earth person with a degree of common sense there is some naïve and gullible person who will believe that everything they see or read is true.    Surely no one actually thinks that when you ring a company your call is important to them but at least you used to get to a real live person eventually but now the voice that announces ‘My name is Rachel. How can I help you?’ will turn out to be a computer.   It is possible that the computer is called Rachel, but I very much doubt it and as the conversation proceeds it becomes obvious that ‘Rachel’ can only answer standard questions – I’m sure this will change and they will be able to deal with everything – perhaps the answer is that we all have an AI assistant that can deal with things on our behalf and we can leave the computers to lie away to each other while we go out and try to enjoy ourselves

Happy Christmas Everyone!