Where there’s smoke, there’s fire – unless you’re trying to cook chicken on a BBQ

Jane Austen famously begins Pride and Prejudice with “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife”.   Today I think he would want a luxury car and a large house and I imagine that potential wives would miraculously appear.

Many old proverbs don’t really stand up to close analysis.

A watched pot never boils – oh yes, it does, although it is true that it will almost certainly boil over the moment you turn your back.

Absence can make the heart grow fonder, usually for someone else.

We were told that ‘It will never get better if you pick it’, but as one of my grandchildren pointed out when she was about three, “That’s not true ‘cos I picked it all the time and it’s better now!’

A Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step – maybe but more sensible to make sure you have a valid passport first.

A picture paints a thousand words – indeed, but a picture of a toothbrush is only a toothbrush until someone captions it ‘Hitler’s Toothbrush’.

Beggars can’t be choosers.   Oh, can’t they?   The last time I tried to buy a cup of tea for a man begging in the street I got a mouthful of abuse

Good things come to those who wait – but better things come to those who help themselves first.

Honesty is the best policy – until you tell your best friend that her new, expensive dress makes her look fat!

All roads lead to Rome – not if you are on the M6 at Spaghetti Junction where all roads seem to lead to hell.

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today although as Oscar Wilde said ‘I never put off till tomorrow what I can do the day after’.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away – if you throw it hard enough.

Let sleeping dogs lie – they won’t tell the truth once they wake and even though you know they ate the sausages.

A woman, a dog and a walnut tree, the more you beat them the better they be!   Good luck with that one today.   You’d be in terrible trouble for the first two and there could well be a Walnut Tree Protection Group out there somewhere!

All the world loves a lover – although not necessarily in public.

If life gives you lemon why not make a gin fizz.

Give a man enough rope and he will hang himself – alteratively he might tie you up and run off with all your money.   Don’t think that would be worth taking the risk.

The best things in life are free – try telling that to your family at Christmas.

We could all do with some new proverbs couldn’t we – well, anyway I’ve had a bit of fun making them up!

The wetter the dog, the warmer the welcome.

The fatter the legs the shorter the skirt.

The worse the speaker the longer they will speak

If you observe that traffic is very light you will immediately run into a traffic jam

If you say work is very quiet the ‘phone will begin to ring off the hook

If you go shopping without brushing your hair you will bump into your best friend coming out of the hairdresser.

On the other hand if you set out in your best finery you will never see anyone you know.

If you are waiting for a telephone call get into the bath.

If your dog suddenly starts to drag its bottom along the grass you will meet the vicar.

If money doesn’t grow on trees why do banks have branches?

Sell the vacuum, all it is doing is gathering dust.

I’m on a seafood diet – I see food and then I eat it.

Keep away from children – seen as safety instructions on lots of products but can also be read as a lifestyle choice.

Enjoy every birthday, studies show that people who have more of them live longer – lot of research must have gone into that!

Apparently God created the world but everything else is made in China.

If you’re not supposed to eat at night why is there a light in the fridge?

Alcohol doesn’t solve problems but neither does milk so you might as well get drunk.

I’ve made a long list of things to do today now I’ve just got to find somebody to do it.

Time wounds all heels.     

There must be hundreds more both new and modifications of old ones in this changing word.   I’d love to hear some of yours.