What’s wrong with me?

When in bed at night I often listen to podcasts about true crime and the other night I was listening to one about a serial killer.  My friends think this is weird – just carry on reading and you’ll find out things that are really weird – but I like them.   Tucked up safe and sound in my own bed I hear about these terrifying people – I usually prefer to listen to American or Australian crimes as they seem further away from home.   On this particular night there was a psychologist talking about psychopaths and their cousins sociopaths.   At three o’clock in the morning I determined that I was at the very least a sociopath and very possibly a psychopath.   I can be very self-centred and quite manipulative in order to get what I want and I can often show little regard for right or wrong – particularly with regard to the speed limit.   The fact that I haven’t yet murdered anyone could well be because I don’t fancy spending the rest of my life in prison.   I have frequently entertained murderous thoughts – particularly while waiting behind someone in the Post Office when I am in a hurry and the person in front of me is trying to send a parcel to Outer Mongolia that needs a lot of complicated customs forms to be completed and when it comes to payment they have a purse at the bottom of their bag and want to pay in coins and are determined to find the exact amount.   If I had a knife in my hand the temptation to use it when this irritating person is saying calmly ‘I know I’ve got a 5p in here somewhere’, is almost overwhelming.   However, the fact that I haven’t killed anyone yet probably means that I am only a sociopath who are defined as antisocial and willing to violate rules.   Well, I’m not that anti-social but I’ve never been keen on rules – particularly ones that don’t make sense.    

This got me thinking once I woke up and so I got onto the internet and disappeared down a rabbit hole of information and misinformation on the human psyche.   There are so many conditions out there and they are ever changing.   Take ADD and ADHD – apparently ADD has gone out of favour and it is all ADHD now.   It didn’t exist when I was young – or maybe it did, but it certainly wasn’t recognised.    Apparently, people are diagnosed with this in adulthood – that could explain a lot – all my school reports said that I should concentrate.   So that’s it – I don’t have a ‘Butterfly Mind’ as I like to describe my inability to focus on any one thing for very long – who knew I had ADHD all along.   And a bit more research tells me that the fact that I still use my fingers to count with doesn’t mean I’m completely stupid but that I have Dyscalculia.   Well, there you go, not an idiot after all – more likely a genius.

But it doesn’t stop there – wait until you get to phobias.   You wouldn’t believe (unless that is you had wasted several hours that could have been spent sorting out the piles of paperwork on my desk doing some research) all the different kinds of phobias that exist.

Did you know that the term NOMOPHOBIA or NO MObile PHone PhoBIA is used to describe a psychological condition when people have a fear of being detached from mobile?   What do they mean ‘this term is used’ – by whom?   Most of us know that panic when we can’t find it and we ring it and wander round the house listening only to discover it is in our pocket the whole time.  But we wouldn’t (and shouldn’t) describe this as a phobia.    What do you think fear of losing glasses is?   There doesn’t seem to be a name for this, or I could have changed the name of this blog!

My personal favourite has to be:  Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, that, ironically, is fear of long words!  Sesquipedalophobia is another name for it.   However, The American Psychiatric Association, showing very good sense, doesn’t officially recognize this phobia.

Another one that I am very keen on is Arachibutyrophobia.   You are never going to guess what this one is.   It is the fear of having peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth.   It is said to be very rare – I think here they are mixing up phobias with dislike.   I can well imagine that some people might hate the feeling of peanut butter on the roof of their mouth – but that’s not a phobia.   I hate doing my accounts – but I couldn’t call it a phobia – although hang on a moment – maybe I can.  Of course, I’m wrong – Financial Phobia affects up to 20% of the population!

But is this all a bit of a cop out?  I would be far too frightened to walk across a rope bridge over a ravine but surely this is a rational fear of death not a phobia.   If you tell people things enough they tend to believe them.   When nits became prevalent among the middle classes someone had the brilliant idea of telling posh mothers that nits only like clean hair!   I can just imagine nits fleeing the slums of the world after turning their noses up at the dirty conditions and refusing to attack all but the freshly shampooed head.   I don’t think so.

But in many ways this all sounds like excellent news as it means we never have to take any responsibility for our actions – it’s not our fault it’s a phobia or a syndrome.   On the other hand, would we really want to live in a world where every personality trait can be explained away?   We are all unique and we don’t need to be put into pigeonholes.   As they say in France Vive La Difference!