- Nothing makes my blood pressure rise to dangerous levels more than reading a day in the life of a celebrity. You know the sort of thing. They get up at 6.30 and meditate for half an hour and the have a cup of Macha tea (whatever that is) followed by homemade muesli with chia seeds! They then do an hour of yoga before going off to the studio or their office or to take the children to school. Lunch will be something obnoxiously healthy like a Kale and lentil wrap washed down with a smoothie of nuts and berries. They might spend the afternoon in the gym.
- Gwyneth Paltrow and the Kardashians are prime examples of this. Don’t get me wrong. I am actually a great admirer of all these women who have made a fortune out of their looks and lifestyles and it is very hard work. What I object to is that it seems more likely to make other women feel inadequate rather than inspired. Gwyneth claims to start her day with a workout followed by sauna time and an outdoor shower. This is a luxury afforded only to the very rich and designed to make ordinary people feel intensely irritated. Apparently, she follows a clean diet consisting of protein-packed meals and healthy afternoon snacks from the office snack cupboard. Most office that I have ever worked in have a snack cupboard filled with Hobknobs and chocolate.
- In any case her day is somewhat different from my day. My alarm goes off at the latest possible time and I press the snooze button. I finally manage to drag myself out of bed and a quick glance in the mirror usually manages to shock me awake. I’ve seen celebrities with attractively tousled bed hair and then I’ve seen the chaos of my early morning hair. And what is more it looks as though someone has spent the night pressing creases into my face. I’m sure I didn’t have that many lines last night. My next move is to grab a pair of trousers and a top from the pile on my bathroom chair and stagger downstairs for a cup of coffee. I’m pretty sure that Gwyneth and the Kardashian Klan will select a perfectly co-ordinated outfit from their walk in closets. In my case the first thing I have to do is let the dogs out and inspect the kitchen floor for accidents. Ideally inspect the floor before walking across it in bare feet. They are pretty good but as terrible scavengers they sometimes eat something so revolting that I feel sick just seeing it and that can have horrible results. I make coffee and sometimes have a bit of yoghurt or a banana while I read the newspapers. By contrast Gywneth says “I’m not a big breakfast person,” Instead she drinks a tumbler full of GoopGlow, a “superpowder” that revitalizes the skin with vitamin C and other antioxidants. After I’ve depressed myself enough by reading the news I go and feed the chickens and see if the rats have left me any eggs. I bet Gwyneth doesn’t have these problems. Next comes the list. I like to make a list every day so that I can cross things off at the end of the day and that gives me a feeling of accomplishment. I sometimes write down things I have already done so that I can cross them out. That’s quite sad! As opposed to Gwyneth’s hour with her personal trainer I faffle around searching for my keys or the scarf I bought last week to go with the top I was intending to wear today with the inevitable result that if I find the scarf I realise that the top has a large food stain down the front. I bet Gwyneth never wears her food. Nor the Kardashians, because I don’t think they actually eat. Gwyneth then settles down with a glass of celery juice and a good book – bully for her. I can often be found unblocking a drain, emptying the bins or spraying the chicken coop for red mites! Gwyneth following her daily workout, enjoys some time in her private sauna and after the detoxing sauna and the outdoor shower, that she claims is one of her favourite places and is full of ‘clean beauty products’ whatever they are!
- She is a very shrewd businesswoman – take a look at her Goop website – one of the most mystifying I have ever come across featuring, as it does, T shirts for hundreds of dollars, lots of quite ‘preppy’ clothes and a mind boggling array of sex toys for which I, for one, would need an instruction manual and that certainly take away any spontaneity.
- I read somewhere that Gwyneth ‘values a whole night’s sleep and spends evenings relaxing with family and friends before bed’, so not everything about her life is that interesting and some journalist must have been desperate if they felt the need to include that nugget. And apparently she sometimes goes a little mad and allows herself to eat a “really clean version of a turkey burger” wrapped in lettuce or jicama (no idea!) tacos, aligning with the clean eating habits promoted by her lifestyle brand Goop. So not that mad! No double beefburger with bacon, cheese and chips then?
- However, she does succumb to the afternoon snack time slump and grabs cashews, pretzels, or “something salty and crunchy” from the Goop office snack cupboard to hold her over until dinner. Paltrow drinks a cup of green tea in the afternoon to help her stay focused until the end of the workday. I’ll try and bear that in mind next time I eat a couple of cold sausages and some leftover roast potatoes in the middle of the afternoon.
- I have to say that it all leaves me feeling slightly depressed and awfully glad that I’ve got a nice bottle of rosé in the fridge.
Has Anyone Seen My Glasses? 